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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29955933">Leave My Greatest Failures On Display, With An Asterisk: Worthy of Love Anyway</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/coruscantspark/pseuds/coruscantspark'>coruscantspark</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Caleb Widogast's Backstory, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pre-Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast, Warning: Trent Ikithon, caleb tells essek everything, everyone is just having A Time, mighty nein reunite with essek, the rest of the nein are here too</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:21:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,099</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29955933</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/coruscantspark/pseuds/coruscantspark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Caleb is very good at holding it all together until the danger has passed. Seeing Essek alive and well is just enough for the numbness to fade and secrets and confessions to spill out. Or, Essek learns about Caleb's backstory.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>115</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Leave My Greatest Failures On Display, With An Asterisk: Worthy of Love Anyway</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I really really hope I've tagged everything correctly, please let me know if I need another tag on here. I cried most of my way through writing this fic so good luck with that.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They stumble into the biting cold. Shivering, they take stock of their surroundings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah, Mr. Caleb," Caduceus says, leaning heavily on his staff and pointing to the faint spires on the horizon. "Not bad at all. An hour hike at most."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb nods jerkily. One thing to go right. He hasn’t failed them yet today. He stomps his feet to get the blood flowing again and pulls his coat tighter. "Are we walking or flying?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau leans against Yasha and crosses her arms. "Same time or save spells?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb curls in on himself, bracing against the wind before feeling a warm presence behind him. He looks back and sees Fjord standing behind him, not quite touching him but providing a block for the wind. He nearly sways back to take the proffered warmth but instead looks away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can do it for free," he glances down at where Jester is huddling against Fjord and inching towards Caleb’s side as well. "Up to you, Jester."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can do it," she pats his arm with her mittened hand. Her hand lingers as her eyes search his face. He manages a small smile and gently squeezes her hand back before stepping away from both of them. He takes the sadness he sees in her eyes and adds it to his well of guilt and transforms into a giant eagle. He picks up Veth and Beau and waits for the rest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yasha and Jester transform as well and the rest are scooped up. With Caduceus pointing directions and the wind at the backs, they make it to the perimeter of the outpost in record time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all hit the snow as the spell drops. Trekking through the fresh powder, they are quiet. The last week had been a never ending nightmare and the toll was visible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb could feel their fear and exhaustion and the weight of it pressed him into the snow. He slows. They trusted him, looked to him for logic and a plan and where did that get them? Hunted. Their families put in danger. They’re own lives put in danger. The entire world at risk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Useless. Pathetic. Later than is safe to try to end the impending apocalypse. No guarantee they’ll even win. They weren’t able to stop them before. Who’s to say he won’t be just as useless. This entire quest was his idea. He should have just left well enough alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb blinks into the increasing snow and realizes he’s stopped. He can barely see the rest of the group ahead and considers just staying here. He’d always known it would be better for them if he wasn’t there. This week proved it. He can barely feel the cold around him as he sits down for just a moment, just to rest. He can’t shake the tiredness that seeps into his bones to rest alongside the icy numbness that had settled in at the sight of an empty grave. He rests his head on his knees and feels his breath condensing in the pocket of warmth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Stinging cold in. Wet heat out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shudders at the sensation, but endures it as punishment as the thoughts swirling in his head narrow to that singular feeling of awfulness and the need to make it stop. Not allowing himself to shake off the bad sensation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hears the crunching of snow beside him and looks up to see Yasha waiting patiently for him. He stares up for a minute, watching as she scans the horizon alert for any danger. She looks down at him and smiles gently and reaches out a hand. He looks at it for a moment before grabbing it and being hauled up to a standing position. His beard freezes over, once again exposed to the bitter wind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yasha doesn’t let go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We keep moving.” Her eyes are knowing as they lock onto his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s more meaning hidden behind her words. He’s too tired to search. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t move until he does and stays behind him as they catch up. Fjord is waving at the visible guards as the group approaches the main entrance of the outpost. One of the guards meets them with a shallow bow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Welcome back, Mighty Nein. The Shadowhand is in a meeting but we can show you to available quarters to warm up if you’d like,” the guard offers. “We’ll alert him of your arrival.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fjord looks at the rest of the group, lingers on Caleb’s blank face, sighs and steps forward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please do, and let him know that time is of the essence. As usual we have very important information for him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The guard nods, turns and barks an order in Undercommon and a younger looking guard takes off deeper into the outpost. Switching back to Common, he smiles. “If you’ll follow me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They trek through the snow, following stamped down trails in the fresh powder, rotating positions to keep Caleb in the center. They make it into an empty barrack and the guard leaves them. They stand in silence, snow dripping in puddles around them as they all begin to thaw out. Caduceus and Yasha share a concerned look and begin ushering their tired friends to sit down near the fire. Yasha strings a rope across one side of the small building and Caduceus strips off his wet clothes, leaving him in simple underclothes. Yasha does the same, and they both hang up their damp gear to dry and tossing blankets into the circle of their friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fjord and Beau both stir and do the same, Yasha taking their clothes from them and wrapping a blanket around both of them. Fjord helps Jester shed her outer layers and take down her wet hair, brushing it smooth. Caduceus lays a gentle hand on both their shoulders, taking Jester’s clothes and depositing another blanket with them as they both curl up together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Veth shakes herself out of her stupor and walks over to Yasha and hands her clothes to the taller woman, wrapping herself in her own blanket and sitting near where Caleb is just staring into the fire, running his fingers over the extra amulet, over and over and over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau catches his hand and waits for him to look up. She moves slowly behind him, managing to wrangle most of Caleb’s wet clothes off of him, without much help from him. Yasha stands by patiently taking each article handed to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>From behind Caleb, Beau rests her forehead on his shivering shoulder and says softly, “Your pants are super wet, man, they’ll dry out faster off of you and you’ll warm up quicker but I’m not gonna force you,” she sighs. “Up to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb turns away from the flames and blinks at her a moment, realizing how cold he was. He stands suddenly and shucks off the pants, and Caduceus trades them for a blanket, Caleb still clutching the amulet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb looks at the blanket for a moment before wrapping himself in it and settling down again, sandwiched in between Veth and Beau. Yasha comes to cuddle behind Beau, wrapping them in her arms and another blanket. Caduceus settles in next to Fjord, both men braced against each other, holding each other up, Jester tucked up against Fjord.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all sit in the silence of the room, listening to each other’s breathing and the crackle of the fire. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fjord clears his throat and looks around the group. “Just so we’re all on the same page, before he gets here - we tell all now, right? Every bit of it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau flinches but nods. Caleb nods as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yasha rubs Beau’s back soothingly and looks to Fjord. “It seems we are running out of both time and options.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caduceus nods. “Our hope was to find more knowledge about everything going on up here and, well, that didn’t happen. Either there’s no knowledge to be had or we don’t know the right people. We shouldn’t head into mortal danger without our allies knowing what we know.” He sets down his cup and folds his hands. “At the same time, the decision doesn’t lie with me, or anyone else but you two.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau sighs and drops her head to Caleb’s shoulder. He leans his head against hers and closes his eyes. “I think it’s time, Beauregard. He has no choice but to help us, if you’re worried about losing his allegiance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honestly, that was my logic with Yussa and Allura, but with Essek.” She wiggles her head out from under his and sits up. “Before we saw him again, I didn’t know what his motivations are with regards to potential power deposits. I still don’t. But I don’t think he’s interested in whatever this has to offer. His focus is, was, the beacons.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb nods and stands up, moving nearer to the fire, fighting with the amulet again. Jester sits up from where she’d curled up against Fjord’s chest. “So we tell him. Right? Keeping secrets has only hurt us," her voice is rough with emotion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau and Caleb both look at her for a moment, an indeterminable emotion on both their faces when a knock interrupts them. They all freeze in fear for a moment before relaxing slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come in?” Yasha calls out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door cracks open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait!” Fjord hollers. The door freezes. Fjord summons Star Razer and casts See Invisibility and scans the room. “Okay we’re clear, come on in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A cold wind pushes Essek inside and he struggles to shut the door behind him. It clicks shut and panting slightly, he brushes the snow out of his hair and slips out of his coat. The Nein huddle further into their blankets and Essek lets out a shiver in the sudden warmth before he takes in the battered and exhausted group before him, holding each other up, Veth staring absently into the fire and rocking slightly. Caleb, wide-eyed, collapsed against the wall near the fire. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Concern about what may have happened to them causes his heart to swoop and stepping forward he opens his mouth to ask when Caleb is suddenly in front of him, gripping his arms, his face, eyes scanning over him and then pulling him close, face buried in the crook of Essek’s neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb had only been half paying attention to the conversation, self rebuking lectures circling in his head, wincing with more guilt at the hurt in Jester’s voice talking about kept secrets. He could feel the numbness returning, and having said his piece retreated further into the compartments of his mind that seem to have spilled into each other. He stood closer to the fire, hoping to feel something, the edges of the amulet digging into his palm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The knock at the door had startled him out of his circular thoughts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sight of Essek, safe and in one piece would have brought him to his knees if the wall wasn't already holding him up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The relief that he hadn’t already messed this up, ruined another life, cost another life is an emotion so foreign at the moment it slips past the barrage of guilt and panic and hits him in the gut. His heart races and before he even thinks about it, he’s across the room. Touching, holding tighter than is polite, not caring. He buries his face against Essek’s neck, hunched over, whispering apologies into Essek’s skin over and over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek stumbles a little at the force of the embrace, wincing as something is digging into his shoulder, arms fluttering a bit before settling around the other man, softly soothing, cradling his head, smoothing his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whispering nonsensical words in Undercommon, waiting for Caleb to calm, he looks around the room. Jester has sagged with relief into Fjord, her own tears falling and Fjord, holding her, closes his own eyes in relief. Veth is still rocking and swiping at her own eyes with one hand, a button held in the other. Beau is staring blankly into the distance, picking at her fingernails before Yasha slips her fingers between Beau’s and rests her head on Beau’s shoulder.  Caduceus’ hands shake and his eyes are haunted as he pours another cup of tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What…happened?” Essek whispers over Caleb’s shoulder. Caleb tenses and holds him tighter for a moment. Something sharp digs in further and Caleb pulls back quickly at Esseks sharp inhale. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry, sorry," Caleb's eyes are a little frantic and his hands flutter away from Essek’s shoulders, not landing anywhere. Essek registers vague disappointment at the loss of contact rise in the back of his mind before he shoves that down impatiently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb’s hands are moving toward him again, now with intense concentration in his eyes and a determined set in his face. A necklace dangles from Caleb's hands and then is being hung around Essek’s neck. Caleb's hands linger, resting on his shoulders for a moment, smoothing out invisible wrinkles, as though finding some excuse to keep touching, reassuring himself of Essek’s presence. His hands slide up to gently cup Essek’s face. The intensity in Caleb's eyes when Essek’s meet them does not match the tenderness of his hands and he can feel his heart skip a beat and a flush rising.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wear this. Always. Do not take it off. This," Caleb's gravelly whisper trails off as his thumb brushes over Essek’s darkening cheekbone. Essek can hardly breathe as Caleb refocuses on his eyes and continues. "This will keep you from being found. Protect you from divination magics."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek nods, not trusting his voice. A ghost of a smile lifts the corners of Caleb's mouth and he steps away, hand sliding down his arm to grasp his hand and pull him into the group. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It will take an hour to attune so stay close to one of us," he says as he sits them both down, shoulders pressed together. Caleb looks over at Fjord whose eyes are still scanning the room. He nods at Caleb. Essek mentally shakes himself and looks around noticing for the first time they all are wearing similar amulets. Caleb continues,  "Are you full up on attunement items, because I assure you this is more important."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek shakes his head. "No, no I had an extra," he manages to get out. The rest of the group seem to have composed themselves and are moving closer, providing him cover while the attunement takes hold. He tries to swallow past the lump of affection and guilt in his throat and fails. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He clears his throat and croaks, "So, um, normally you are a little worse for wear when we meet again but this is, no offense, the worst I've ever seen you. Tell me this isn't because of me, I don't think I can take it." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His attempt at a joke falls flat. Jester leans forward and grabs his free hand. It’s only then that he realizes Caleb still has his other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not because of you,” she says, voice thick with emotion. “We made a call. Right now, it’s very hard to see if it was the right one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb’s fingers trace the bones in Essek’s hand and with his eyes trained on their hands, he sighs. “There’s a lot you don’t know about us, about me.” He looks up at Beau. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She takes a deep breath. “We’ll start here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She pulls her glove off, reaches over and puts a hand on Caleb’s leg, offing an anchor for him and exposing the eye on her hand. Jaw clenched, she raises her chin and stares at Essek before turning around and twisting her hair up atop her head. Caleb slips his hand away from Essek’s and tugs his shirt over his head and holds it in his hands, twisting it around his hands nervously. Essek startles before leaning in close, a frown on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He reaches out his hands, hovering over Caleb’s shoulder. “May I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb nods and shivers as Essek’s cold fingers brush over the eye on his arm before moving to his back. Essek commits their design to memory, poking gently around them. His fingers warm from the fire that is Caleb’s skin and he rests a hand on Caleb’s back for just a moment before pulling the blanket up around Caleb’s shoulders and scooting over to examine Beau’s neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sitting back, he asks, “How? And when?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau turns back around and offers her hand and he takes it gently, inspecting it. “We read a book. Had a dream. First set of eyes showed up just before we met up with you last time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His head shoots up. “First set?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wiggles the fingers of the hand he’s grasping. “My hand and his shoulder were first. Two nights later, our backs.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek lets go and curls back up between Jester and Caleb in thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do they,” he searches for the right question. “Do they feel anyway? Hurt? Do anything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Other than scare the hell out of us?” Beau gives a half shrug as Yasha wraps them both up again. “Nothing so far.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb’s eyes dart over to Essek. “We’re nervous to sleep again. But, we figured it was time to tell you. So you are aware of  it. We are to travel together soon and we don’t know if or when the next dream will come,” he trails off before speaking aloud the fear in everyone’s mind. “Or if we’ll need to be...taken care of.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek looks between the two of them confused. He hears Fjord swear under his breath. His eyes widen in realization and he’s already shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb sinks even further into a slouch, nearly hidden in his blanket, his words barely audible in the silence. “They are the same as Lucien’s and we do not know how much of his actions are Lucien and how much are </span>
  <em>
    <span>the nonagon</span>
  </em>
  <span> and the Somnovum working through him. Seven more on us and we may become like him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek is still shaking his head, horror twisting his features.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb looks up and clasps his hands together, pain evident in his eyes as his voice gets firmer and directs his words to Essek. “I cannot protect this family if I am the one harming them. I need you,” he presses his hands to his mouth, breathing harshly. “I need you to do what needs to be done. I trust your instincts will keep them safe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek flinches and stumbles backwards away from the group, hurt evident on his face. “My killer’s instinct you mean. My ability to betray those closest to me with little loss of sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb tumbles forward on his knees, abandoning the blanket and grabbing his shoulders. “Essek, no!” He holds a stiff Essek close to him and calls over his shoulder. “Fjord?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fjord is already scanning the room again and Jester is prepping a dispel. “We’re okay. We’re clear.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb sags in relief as Essek looks away from him blinking hard. “Essek, that isn’t what I meant. I mean that I trust you to keep our family safe. From me if necessary.” He gently turns Essek’s face back to his. “I trust you to make the hard decision to pull everyone out, regroup and come back for us. Or put us down and come back with the healers and enough diamonds to purchase an island and convince the gods to let us return.” Caleb’s voice rises in intensity as he cups Essek’s face again. “Essek I don’t know how but I need you to keep them safe, whether I’m with them or not. My actions brought us here, put us in this mess, and I cannot watch them die because of choices I made in the past. Or may not have control over in the future.” Understanding flickers across Essek’s face and he brings his hands to Caleb’s and holds them between them. Caleb drops to a whisper. “Of everyone here, you and Fjord and Yasha are the only ones who understand, and I cannot ask Yasha to hurt Beau again. So I am asking you and Fjord to make sure they all live to win us back another day.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek breathes hard for a moment and hesitantly nods. “I promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb closes his eyes as relief washes over him. He shivers and remembers he’s not wearing a shirt about the same time Essek realizes and they both look in different directions, blushes rising on both their faces, as they quickly move back into the circle of warmth. Beau pulls her glove back on and tosses Caleb’s shirt at him with a smirk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence descends on the room as Essek processes what he’s been told. He sees pointed glances being tossed around the room but finds he’s too tired to follow them and just lets them bounce around. Caduceus clears his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Spot of good news I suppose,” he grins a little. “We know exactly where Lucien and the Tomb Takers are going, thanks to the Wildmother. Provided you two can wrangle the weird magic around here we shouldn’t have to struggle too much to find the entrance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jester gestures wildly at her bag. “And we have a fork tuned to the Astral Sea plane place if they manage to get there first so we can plane shift there if we need.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek’s eyes go wide again. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Go to the Astral Sea?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Jester nods with a smile. “Yep, don’t worry we have forks tuned to here too, it wouldn’t be a one way trip. And we already got practice coming back home to this plane of existence so we’re basically pros at this point.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek drops his head into his hands. “Where did you get a fork tuned to the Astral Sea?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jester flops down in front of him, peering up at him. “We have very cool friends, Essek.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite himself, he can’t help but smile back at her. “Very well, Astral Sea. Can’t say I’ve done much Plane hopping before, but first time for everything and all that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Veth snorts from her pile of blankets. “My four year old did it just fine, Essek. I’m sure you’ll survive.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek freezes. Jester’s smile turns into a wince and she sits back up, curling into herself. “Yeah...we were telling you the good news first.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau puts her hand on Caleb’s shoulder. “Do you want us here for this? Or would you rather do this privately.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek furrows his brow in concern as Caleb goes impossibly still and starts rubbing his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to, Caleb, he doesn’t need to know everything.” Beau squats in front of him. “Or anything at all, we can leave it alone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb shakes his head once. His voice is faint, “No. He needs to know. Just as you did. Please just. Give us a minute alone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek looks around in confusion as the Nein gather their clothes, layering up. Veth places a hand on Caleb’s shoulder and he crumples into a fierce hug. When he lets her go, it’s reluctant. His eyes are bright with unshed tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you need me to stay?” Veth whispers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb shakes his head. She wavers for a moment before squeezing his hand once more and going to join the others at the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek calls out to the exiting group, “Have one of the guards guide you to the mess hall!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turns back and sees Caleb rocking and beginning to scratch at his arms, staring into the flames. Feeling utterly useless and uncertain, he reaches out his hands. “Caleb? Can you hold my hands?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb sighs and lifts his hands away from his arms slowly. “This isn’t a personal affront to you, friend, but I don’t think I can be touched at the moment.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek retreats and tucks his hands in his lap, turning so he faces Caleb directly. “That’s alright, I just. I just don’t want you to hurt yourself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb nods absently and tucks his hands under his legs. Essek waits patiently as Caleb struggles to find a place to start.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Caleb, whatever it is...you don’t,” Essek struggles to find the words. “I don’t want you to feel pressured to tell me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb runs a hand through his hair, loosening it from its tie and allowing it to fall around his face. Essek forgets how to breathe for a moment before shoving that feeling way down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>From the safety of a curtain of hair, Caleb takes a deep breath. “When I was a child at the Soltryce Academy, I was singled out with my two childhood friends to be put in special advanced classes. Our teacher was Master Ikithon.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek can feel the breath rush out of his lungs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Volstrucker we killed in your jails was a successful version of what I was to become. Ikithon, he wanted us to be stronger. He would experiment by placing crystals in our,” he falters and his hand shakes. He pushes up his sleeves to reveal the marks on his arms and clasps his hands together. “He would place crystals in our arms and have us perform spells to see what was more powerful, heightened. We were trained, taught, good...good children of the Empire willing to do whatever it took to make the Empire stronger and to destroy those who thought and did otherwise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek hardly dares to breathe, nausea rolling in his stomach, heart aching.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There was a test. A final test before we were to move on. We were allowed to visit home and all heard our parents speaking treacherously against the king, against the Empire.” Caleb’s voice cracks again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek can already tell where this story is going and presses his fingers to his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We killed them that next night. I trapped my mother and father in our home and set it on fire. I still hear their screams in every fire I see.” His eyes drift toward the fire before he drags in another deep breath. “Their screams are what did it. I broke. I couldn’t handle it and I spent the next eleven years locked away in the Vergessen Sanatorium, in and out of my mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek’s eyes are wide with horror and he pulls a shaky breath in, fighting tears of his own, struggling to stay quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One day, and this is where it all gets hazy, another patient, a cleric of the Archeart had a moment of clarity and she reached out for me, restoring my mind. In that moment, I knew the truth of it all. Everything had been a lie, my parents’ treachery, Ikithon’s teachings, all of it.” He picks at his fingernails. “I murdered a guard, stole this amulet, and ran. I spent four years on the run before meeting Nott in a jail cell. I taught myself magic with what books I could find and Nott could steal. And then we met the Nein.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Caleb dares bring his eyes to Essek, he can see the horror and sorrow in the other man’s face slowly being reeled into a cold fury as he continues processing Caleb’s story. Caleb gives him a half smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not the end of it.” Essek looks up in disbelief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I told you and your queen I wanted to remove the cancer in my homeland, I meant him. Ludinus too and Vess was also a likely candidate. The rest I don’t know enough about, but if they were complicit,” Caleb shakes his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Off track, um. We had already had some contact with Ikithon due to the beacon situation and a dinner party of sorts after. He spewed a lot of half truths and fancy stories. My childhood friends are still under his thumb. To what extent I am uncertain. He made it clear he desires to have me back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We came to Eiselcross with the intent of studying Vess and by extension the Cerburus Assembly so that we could figure out a plan to take them down. and then she was murdered our first night out here. Then we were chasing Lucien and everything went sideways. We always seemed to be one step behind them and constantly able to be tracked and perhaps if everyone had one of these,” he grabs the amulet. “We’d have a fighting chance of sneaking up on him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I reached out to my old friend, Astrid, to find out if she could get us some or knew where they were. Turns out, they are kept in the same place I was. We went in, and everything went wrong from the start. And I,” he buries his hands in his hair and his voice begins to shake. “I have placed another target on your back, I’m afraid. I used dunamancy to take out the guards and he knows you have taught me magic. He will use that to his advantage to try and manipulate me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve slipped out of his fingers three times now and he is furious. Somehow he was alerted to our presence in his vaults and arrived before we could leave. We barely made it out and to Nicodranus. But he knew and we had little time to get Jester’s mother and Veth’s family out alive. If it weren’t for my old friends, I don’t know how many of us would still live. They warned us of his arrival and stalled him long enough for us to escape. Astrid-” Caleb finally lets the tears fall, his thin shoulders heaving with heavy sobs. “Astrid stood and watched us plane shift away. But he knows about you. He knows you are important to me. I’m so so sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stops trying to talk then, letting the emotions of the last four days catch up with him, the neatly sorted brain finally purging itself of everything that had been put aside to deal with later. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek aches hearing the racking sobs the echoes of the story Caleb had just told pinging in his brain. His own hands shake at the horror this wonderfully kind man had endured and yet Caleb was concerned about his life? Essek buries his fingers in his own hair and tries to concentrate and not reach out for the other man. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>An idea forms, he’d meant to wait for a more appropriate time but this was the best he could do under the circumstances, especially since Frumpkin was nowhere to be seen. He summons his newly discovered familiar in his lap. The fluffy white cat looks up at him grumpily before headbutting him in the stomach. Mentally, he tells him to go comfort Caleb and with a tail to Essek’s nose, the fluff regally trots over to the still crying man and headbutts his leg. Caleb startles out of his hunched position and the cat deposits himself in his lap blinking up sleepily and purring loudly. Caleb huffs out a laugh that sounds more like a sob and dries his eyes with a sleeve. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hallo there, who are you?” Caleb gently scritches behind the ears and the purring gets louder. “Doesn’t matter, you are a good one, ja?” The tears eventually slow and he looks over at Essek with an embarrassed face. “Sorry about that. It has been a long year.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek’s face is impossibly soft and he shakes his head. “No need for apologies. I knew Ikithon was horrid. I didn’t know to what extent.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb gathers the fluffy cat close and whispers, “I’ve made you a target. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek reaches out a hand and Caleb grabs it like it is a lifeline. “I was already a target. What is one more?” Essek squeezes Caleb’s hand. “Besides, this?” He motions towards the necklace. “This will keep me safer than I could ever keep myself.” He scoots himself closer and captures Caleb’s face with his other hand. He catches another tear with his thumb. “Caleb, nothing I say is going to make anything better and I know that. But I have only ever known you as a protector. Someone I respect, admire, and am inspired by.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb’s eyes meet his, a brilliant blue from the tears. “You-” he clears his throat. “You’ll stick with us? I haven’t messed this up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek drops his forehead to Caleb’s with a small laugh. “If I haven’t already irrevocably destroyed any hope of a friendship here, nothing you do is going to ruin this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb’s eyes crinkle in a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stay there in that moment, the fire crackling beside them and the cat purring beneath them. Essek summons his courage and presses a gentle kiss to Caleb’s forehead before leaning back and studying him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes are shut but Essek can see the puffiness from the emotional day. His hair is much longer than the last time he’d seen him with it down. The color was so intriguing he couldn’t help but be entranced by how it changes in the firelight. He seems thinner than before and Essek worries a little bit more about the entire group’s wellbeing while on the road. He watches his hands as they gently scritch at his cat’s ears and becomes transfixed on the slender fingers stained with soot and the way they comb through the cat’s fur. He can feel the blush rising again as his mind wanders, easily replacing the white fur with his own hair and wondering, wanting, not daring to finish that thought. Caleb opens his eyes and catches him staring. The moment stretches before Caleb ducks his head and looks at the content cat in his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When did this happen?” he asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek smiles and leans his head on his hand watching them. “Not long after I got here. The loneliness was suffocating. His name is Bossk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hallo Bossk. Good to meet a friend.” Caleb gets a tail to the face as Bossk tires of him and returns to climb up into Essek’s lap. Caleb’s laughter fills the room and Essek can feel his heart stumbling at the sight and sound. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb summons Frumpkin and buries his face in his fur. Frumpkin yowls and bats at his head a couple of times. “I know, I know, I know. Next time I need to have a breakdown I’ll summon you first.” Frumpkin glares for a few moments longer before seeming to forgive him. He rubs up against Essek for pets before curling into Caleb’s lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek smiles before his curiosity gets the better of him. “Caleb? You said you used dunamancy on the guards? Was it Resonant Echo?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb looks sheepish as he pulls out his spellbook. “I am not not sure what you call it, but I reverse engineered the spell you used on the Volstrucker months ago and got it to work. I call it Gravity Sinkhole.” He pushes the pages over to Essek who is staring at him gobsmacked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You...what?” He looks down at Caleb’s extensive notes and can hardly believe what he’s seeing. Shocked, he looks up into Caleb’s expectant face. “Caleb. I’m beyond shocked.” He stutters. “I don’t know what to say, it took me months to make this spell work and you figured it out from seeing it done once.” Essek runs his hand through his hair, laughing in disbelief. “I do not exaggerate when I say you are the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb turns pink at the praise and buries his face in his cat before sitting up straight and making eye contact with Essek. Recklessly, he tosses out, “You teleport us where we need to go tomorrow, and I’ll show you just how creative I can be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek’s eyes darken at the challenge and opens his mouth to respond when there’s a knock at the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without taking his eyes off of Essek, Caleb calls out, “Come on in!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Nein bustle in on a burst of wind, shedding their coats and claiming blankets. It’s a long moment of chaos at the door before Jester notices the pile of fluff sitting in Essek’s lap and a high pitched squeal erupts from her. Essek smiles and introduces Bossk to the group and tells him to go cuddle with Jester. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking over the group, he detects higher spirits than those he walked in on earlier. He holds the amulet in his hand and continues his watch. He makes eye contact with Fjord who gives him a nod. He feels the weight of responsibility settle over him like a mantle. A weight he normally flees from, but this time, he watches them talk over each other and move in and out of each other’s space, this time it’s a weight he’ll gladly bear.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm criticalcoruscant on tumblr and coruscantspark on twitter, come yell about CR at any time :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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